SPECIAL FEATURE: Sightings by Twang
By Dyslogia Twang
As I stood there, decked out in my finest Sav’ruuchi pantsuit at the Xenvaer Civic Auditorium, staring at the flotsam swirl and collide in the juice punch, it occurred to me how very much like that watered-down beverage bowl this party was. But wait. I’m getting ahead of myself. Why spoil the party for you before revealing all the details?
Gentle readers, yours honestly had the fortune of fortunes to attend the Refugee Relief Movement fundraiser in the otherwise drab world of Alsakan. Those terrible refugees. It was devastating enough to be dumped from their homeworlds like out-of-season sandals, but to end up on such dismally dull worlds as Naboo and Monastery? Cruel and unusually banal punishment, I say. It wilts one’s energy to think of it.
But, on to the party. Everything that was anything was there! Though the rains of Alsakan stink of industry, their recently revamped auditorium was a spectacle to behold. But the interior décor is not what you, the loving public, want to read about. You want to know about the dirt. And there was plenty…
Flash: My first celebrity sighting that night was former Chancellor Finis Valorum. Perhaps you’ll recall him from a decade past, when he was ousted out of office for incompetence and overall blandness. I wonder, though, who was that doe-eyed blonde number seen draped on his arm? She was dressed like a cabin steward on a prison galley, though she didn’t have the anecdotes to match (or the outfit — so last standard rotation). And that hair! Corpses have been known to have better coifs. Val, dearest. Your ego may be smarting from the ousting ten years ago, but you really can do better. Much better.
Flash: I just about shrieked out my larynx seeing Lexi Dio’s atrocious frock. She was bedecked in a layered accident that superlatives absolutely fail. She was beyond tacky. She was infratacky, of a variety visible only to bees and bats.
And what of Senator Ask Aak? Listen, Senator, I understand you’re still in mourning, but infuse some color into those Malastarian bolts of fabric you call a wardrobe! Pizzazz should be your muse, darling. Three eyes and not one of them attuned to fashion. Tragic.
Flash: Listening to Tendau Bendon morosely drone on about the mourning fig trees of some forsaken world made me want to me to take someone’s life (my own is far too fabulous to even contemplate taking!). His love of greenery no doubt extended to those awful garnishes jammed between the picket teeth in both his mouths. Truly ghastly.
I had the misfortune to spend a solid 12 minutes chatting with Senator Ronet Coorr. His droning about redirecting arterial traffic through industrial sectors left me wanting to open my arterial traffic on those laughably dated drapes. But I digress.
Flash: Try as I might, I never got a chance to chat with the often targeted (and rarely rightfully so) Representative Jar Jar Binks. Oh, that irrepressible little shaakling. The media gives him such a hard time. I really wished to see more of him, but he unfortunately spent much of the evening inadvertently locked in the cloakroom. It’s a shame, too, because the caftan he was wearing was so divine.
Newsflash to the Supreme Chancellor: Palpatine, love how you govern, but whoever told you red was the new blue was dangerously aphasic.
Now, Padmé Amidala … exquisite. A veritable confection that should be denied those with blood-glucose issues. Decked out in pale blue with a hat that was simply so chic and so now. I had to resist the urge to snatch it off her head and wear it myself, she positively radiated elegance. What does she do to keep her skin so silken and gorgeous? And how can I steal her haidresser?
Imagine the titter that arced through the room when people realized that Amidala and Nute Gunray were in the same room! Oh, I was about to get another cocktail and sit back and enjoy the sparks, but Gunray apparently left both his mistress and his withered spine at home that night, since he excused himself early.
Darlings, all in all it was a splendiforous evening. I acquired enough gossip to keep several key politicians shaking in their smocks for months, I got to hobnob with the galaxy’s best, and the food was pure heaven. I look forward to the next event I can relate to you out there, who love as much as I do the wonders of stardom. Until then, sweeties, I wish you all happiness.